Lesson #23: How to Look Busy by Being Angry

Lesson #23 takes a lot of skill and I rate this a “Hard” on the Jobs difficulty scale. In order to pull this off, you may need to practice this at home before using it at the office. Being angry is the best way to make your boss and co-workers think you’re busy. I have spent 10hr days doing absolutely nothing yet seeming extremely productive using this very technique. The less you want to do the angrier you must act. One angry account executive at a bank in Nevada was so angry all the time he became the bank’s CEO in less than 6 months.

This technique is so difficult, I will write as I execute it and take you through step by step.

FranchiseMama

I’m in the middle of a training but I just have to write about this. I found this website, FranchiseMama.com. They allow you to look at different Franchises opportunities. Their slogan is “the cure for the common job.” This is the kind of website Tom Jobs will always fight against. Think about it, if everyone became an entrepreneur and opened their own business who would show up to work? Who would middle management interview to fill jobs? Who would they fire? Company layoffs would have to be called “no body works here anyway because everyone has their own business.” I strongly recommend that the FranchiseMama people rethink their website before it ruins our economy and destroys capitalism. If everyone followed their dreams who would fill americas’ cubicles, the modern day personal fortress. What would happen if pictures of spouses and sales awards no longer adorned millions of cubicle desks? Millions of photographers and trophy maker would go out of business. And divorce rates would sky rocket. FranchiseMama, you’ve been warned.
I’m available for speaking engagements and consulting offers.

I’m Tom Jobs.

Leo

I hereby state that Steve, my co-worker and cubicle neighbor, who will never master all of my teaching because he’s dumb, is correct in stating that I, Tom Jobs, don’t actually hang out with Leo DiCaprio ok? I’ve watched his movies, and I have his autograph.

So Steve, you’re right, thanks for bringing this to my attention. Why don’t you click on this link and go read something else.

I’m Tom Jobs.

I do hang out with Leo, we’re friends, he comes over.

Lesson #678: How to Pretend You Were Listening. Leo DiCaprio

Hang on, someone just asked me a question.

Ok, I’m back. Speaking of annoying questions, this is the perfect time for your first lesson. The lesson is “How to Pretend You Were Listening” (this is lesson #678 in my upcoming book titled “I’m Tom Jobs” which will contain over 4000 of these lessons. It will probably be the biggest book ever published). In Corporate America you get asked many questions like: “Why are you late?” and “Did you finish the report?” or “did you brake the copy machine?” Most of the time, I’m not even listening when the question is asked so the actual question doesn’t really matter (this is lesson #92, “Tunning your boss out.”) You must always be prepared with a response and I’ve created the perfect response to any question. A high level executive friend of mine once dodged a congressional hearing by using this very response. The response is “What color was the Titanic?”
I’ll give you minute. Powerful.

“What color was the Titanic?” is a response rolled into a question, a question that involves the biggest movie ever made, Titanic, which everyone saw. Studies show that only 7 people alive today know the answer to my question. One of them is Leonardo DiCaprio. So one of the greatest actors of our generation knows what I’m talking about. That’s the caliber of people Tom Jobs associates with. No, I’m not the kind of guy who uses my connections to get ahead. Leo is a great guy, we hang out. I’ll never let fame change me.

I’m Tom Jobs.

Tom Jobs, the Corporate Survivalist

If you’re reading this then you found me, Tom Jobs. I’ve been in Corporate America for over 20 years (and I’m only 33 years old!). I’m a corporate survivalist, a job guru. I’ve spent the last 10yrs teaching my co-workers how to survive in Corporate America with minimal effort. I’ve mastered age old techniques like looking busy while doing nothing, escaping HR meetings, and putting co-workers to sleep. I’ve only been fired twice in my life and both events were meticulously planned.

Many of my students who applied my techniques are now CEO’s, CFO’s, big time managers and even Heads of State (my buddy Drakkar is the Head of State in the country of Burundi). After many years of my students urging me to document my unique and deadly Corporate America strategies, I’ve decided it was time. This blog is my gift to all Corporate America-ites (Or what I like to call Cokites with a K not a C or else it would ready Cosites which wouldn’t make sense).

I’m Tom Jobs